Aubrey finally ventured up to my apartment with the plate of fuchsia iced cupcakes she'd promised me - the kind of cupcakes that are made without the annoying paper that steals half the cake when you peel it off. My favorite. (Much appreciated, Aubs.) It took her inquiry about my lack of blogging to make me admit I haven't logged on to the internet for over a week.
I'd cancel our service if it weren't for Matt's homework.
I have to set a warning that this won't be one of my happier blogs. It so sounds petty and angsty (yes, "angsty" is a word) but I am so pissed off at the world right now!
Months ago, I swore off radio because I can't stand most of the crap they waste airtime with anyway. Every time I dare to turn on the television, I'm either disgusted or offended by what I see and hear. (Just don't ask. It's better not to get me started.) The cable company switched around all the channels and since then MTV and VH1 have moved to channels my crappy box t.v. won't pick up. And I'm glad. If I see Paris Hilton's arrogant smirk one more time I'm going to break something. And it will probably be something expensive that I will get in trouble for.
I don't like most music that is popular with this generation. I hate reality T.V. (Except ANTM. I don't know why. I have no desire to be a model, or dress like one. But I can't get enough of that show. I guess because I know what it's like to have that perfect unobtainable dream.) I will never spend more than $25 dollars on a pair of jeans. I can't understand why people my age read the books they read, make their hair look like a muppet, or consume the things they put into their body. And I'm so far away from my generations circle of political veiws it looks like a dot to me.
I thought Rexburg would be different. But I guess it doesn't matter where I go. Back home, people told me I have too many morals. Here, it seems I don't have enough.
Like every sullen teenager, I use to have a lot of self image and esteem issues. But I can honestly say that I truly love the flawed person I've become. But that person doesn't belong anywhere - except for this cozy little apartment with Matthew. So I've bolted myself in here, only emerging to go make money to support my writing habbit.
Matthew is good to me. I don't know how it happened, but he knows me better than anyone else. He knows when I'm hurting and he knows my remedies. One night, out of the blue, he came
home early from work with hot coco and an 80's movie. I love 80's films. No matter what problem I'm having, if I watch "Wayne's World" life just falls into place somehow. (ok so maybe that's early 90's. whatever.)
I'm tired of people telling me what to like, what to buy, and making me feel I'll be a nobody without it. I'm tired of being told what "a girl my age should be doing." I hate it when someone says I don't know what a good book is because I haven't been brainwashed into their vampire cult. (Which, if you know me, you know how deep that peirced my feelings.) I'm just tired of being told I'm wrong.
I don't want to "fit in." I don't want to change. I like me. I just wish I lived in a world where there was more of me. And where we all use correct grammer.
I still haven't quite recovered from my bought of anti-social behavior. I plan on staying in here just a little longer, reading by the lights of the Christmas tree my husband and I decorated together. Limited televsion. No cell phone. No myspace. Just absorbed in writing my book. Because my book is MY world. No one goes in or out without MY say.
Matt will be home soon. He'll see the Christmas presents I wrapped for him. I hope he likes them. I practiced cutting the paper till I got it right, till I could glide my siccors across the whole paper with one graceful stroke of my wrist. Like my mom does.
3 comments:
(((HUGS)))
Love ya. You rock.
Frank
Hey girlie. Frank told me about your post. Mainly, I think, because I can't stand the vampire cult books either. They are seriously the most unhealthy thing I've read and I only managed to read two of them. It's like...... it's worse than reading a really badly written soap opera. I kept screaming, "That's so freakin' codependent! Get a life!" LOL.
That and I never fit in in Mo'dom either. I was like you; I had too many morals for a lot of them (which shocked me) and then not enough for a whole bunch of others. And if you knew me as a Mormon, you would know that I was an awesome Mormon. But I was my own person. And I refused to play the game to fit in. I refused to live my life the way everyone else thought I should in order to have friends and be accepted. As such I only ever had 3 really good Mormon friends. 2 at the same time when I lived in Maryland and one now. And she is NOT your typical Mormon, lol. She can't be if she's friends with such a rabid apostate. ;)
If you have to change for people to like you, then don't bother. Those people aren't worth it anyway. Frank talked a lot about you from the time y'all spent together and his comments were always how fun, how funny, how insightful, etc you were. That's not someone who needs to be different. That's someone who is doing an damn fine job on their own and others are losing out because they have such a narrow view of what is acceptable.
Yeah, like I can't be set off, lol.
And I'm with ya on TV. We watch just a little. We tend to get the Buffy the Vampire series and watch it instead. And The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Hahahahahaha.
And my radio station is permanently set to WCJK fm (or Jack,for those who wonder who the Jack I talk about all the time is.) I bet you'd love it. It's an AWESOME mix of all the right kinds of music.
You are loved girlie. I think you all should move to Tennessee and go to UT so you're closer to us. Then we can party. :)
This blog is definitely a mind stimulator. I agree with you. What person is completely happy with the way they live? They wish their body was different, husband more romantic, or had more money to buy the cool things. Our society socializes us to fit the norm, which in reality no one can fit.
Good for you to break from everything, but you have to learn to deal with it. Even if it means beating up someone who tells you that your wrong for not loving twilight ;)! Just kidding! Love ya!
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