finally home.

Okay, we're home. We hopped on a plane super early this morning, then caught the 4 hour bus ride with our friend Carlos, then drug our luggage three blocks. But we're finally home...

It's strange, after spending 24/7 with my husband and a handful of other loved ones for the past two weeks, I'm having a bit of separation anxiety. Matt left for work at 6 and it feels creepy to be here alone. Being Thanksgiving weekend, it's like a ghost town around the apartment complex. Every little sound made by the passing wind outside is making me jump.

As if the stress of the last two weeks decided to pound me all at once, I suddenly became exhausted the minute Matt left me alone. At first I didn't know what to do with myself. I unpacked, straightened up the apartment, took a bath, lit some of the incense we bought at that Chinese"antique" store in Texas. It was funny. I realized there are no lighters or matches in the apartment - as open flames are banned from the complex. So I had to light the cone on the red coils of the stove, the way I've always watched my mom light her cigarettes.

Huhh. But enough ado... There is so much I have to say that I can't fit into this one rinky-dinky blog. But I'll do my best. I guess I'll start where I left off.

Gail made it through Saturday night, when we were left to our own devices. But she slipped away Sunday afternoon, when we all least expected it. The four of us were beginning an intense game of Settlers of Zarahemla. Matt was practically begging me to trade my brick card for his wheat, when we were urgently called into the room.

I feel bad. I honestly didn't take it seriously, at first. But after six days of jumping up at every sound that came from that bedroom....I had just grown immune. It all seemed so surreal. All three of Gail's children were gathered around her bedside, waiting tensely while the nurse listened to her heart with a stethoscope. She'd never done that before.

"She's gone," the nurse whispered as she lowered the instrument from her ears.

Sara was the first to crack. Matt immediately went to comfort her. Frank did well at holding his composure, but the three of them soon linked in a sobbing embrace. It was a tragically beautiful thing to watch.

Matt didn't loose it until we were in the car, driving to the cemetery to pick out a plot. He was sitting in the back seat, absorbed in his headphones, listening to the song he and his mother danced to at our wedding just three months earlier. That'll do it.

But that's how Matt is. He expresses his feelings though music. Good and bad. So I wasn't surprised. Through this whole experience, I never knew what to do - physically do. When it all seemed to be to much for him, we would go for a walk, or I would just hold him. But enough. I'm too depressing. Gail's funeral was majestically amazing. But I'll tell you all about that later. I'm tired.

Back to work tomorrow.

Just trying to stay awake.

I'm sorry if my last couple of blogs have been nothing but downers. I'm really trying not to be so negative anymore. But that's what things are like here right now. The last week has been a gruesome waiting game, a CW drama, and an emotional roller coaster.

The short version is....

Matt and I made it here on time.  PLENTY of time. It's about 3am sunday morning and she's showed no changes since about three days ago. We thought she was going once, and we all rushed to her bedside, but after awhile, she stopped thrashing, moaning, and sweating, and started breathing normally again. And that's what the last 3 days have been like. We don't leave this house. Her friends do our laundry and bring us food. (I have a lot of paying forward to do later.) We just wait. Every time she takes and exasperated breathe, we hold ours until her bony chest rises and falls again. Every time she lets out a frustrated cry we rush into the room. We know she can hear us, we just can't figure her out.

All of this has started to take its toll on each of Gail's children, but most important to me, Matthew. Finally, tonight one of Gail's friends kicked us out of the house so we went to the mall for a few hours just to be outside. At that point I realized I've been here a week and haven't seen anything of Houston! It was great. But when we got back, the day nurse, who was supposed to be relieved an hour and a half earlier, had to leave. The night nurse has never showed up, so we are fending for our own. No one will get a lot of sleep tonight.

Around 1am Matt and  I took a walk and had a long heart2heart about everything. On top of his mother dying there is a bit of drama floating around and I just needed to talk to someone to sort things out. I think I needed to talk just as much as he did. I feel like I haven't been alone with him in a week! That is hard...we are newlyweds and all.

But I'm not complaining. Lots of good things have come out of this too. His family has gotten to know me better and I'll say we've bonded pretty well. You don't get much closer than this. 

I just want some closure to this soon. Matthew is very strong, as well as his siblings, but he's struggling to stay strong through this and it's breaking my heart. This is not how I pictured my marriage three months into it, but I love him. I would do just about anything for him. And I know this is not the hardest thing we will have to endure together. 

After this, bring it.

Day One

My "bad day" monday was nothing, NOTHING compared to what had followed after I posted that blog. As usual, I spoke to soon.

Thankfully, Matt and I arranged for a flight out of Salt Lake that following morning, and I was able to move up  our shuttle trip for the second time that day without any fees. Can't say that much for the airline though. To change our flight - again - it was going to cost us a grand total of about $1100. Luckily there was a loop hole and after getting all the medical info from the hospice, fighting with the Texas state laws, and pleading with Northwest supervisors, our fees were cut down to $75 each. 

Instead of watching Matt FOR THREE HOURS slowly loose his patience and fighting back tears, I got on the phone with co-workers from the gym to find subs for my classes. After awhile my begging paid off. I was back and forth on the phone with Sara, my mom, Matt's teachers, and my boss. When that was done and he was "still on hold," I started to pack and clean the house. 

Sara called again, said she was pretty sure we wouldn't make it. She asked me to give the phone to Matt so he could....say his goodbyes. Just in case. 

There is nothing more heartbreaking in this world that I have seen, than my husband, two phones to his ear - one phone playing complementary "hold" music and forced advertising - the other blubbering out rushed, painful goodbyes. It killed me. Literally. A part of my heart I didn't know I had crushed under the emotions. 

If only I was prepared for what was to come.  

More later...

Quick update

It was a looooong trip but we got here just fine. And we got here in time. It's really quiet and really crowded. Matt ate something finally. 

I'll update again soon. 

I don't like to say this a lot but.....

today was just awful.

I was still asleep when I walked into work. Most mornings, there is this overnight guy named Rosy (don't ask) who is finishing up his Dungeons and Dragons game about the time I walk in. He usually saves me a piece of his breakfast which 9 times out of 10 is some kind gourmet cheesecake. (Matt and I discussed this at length and decided it is okay for me to accept gifts from other men as long as A.) Said man is not more handsome than Matthew, B.) Said gift is edible, and C.) Said man is aware I am a married woman. But he played hooky last night so I went hungry.

Then as soon as I slugged out onto the sales floor, Debora read off a to-do list that was longer than the numbers of pointless mind numbing shows on MTV. I like Debora, but I keep telling her and she just doesn't listen. If she tries to talk to me before 8:30 am, all I hear is the teacher from beloved T.V. classic Peanuts.

I banged up my shin pretty bad walking through a roll rack. Apparently Debora had warned me that she had lowered the bar, but all I heard was, "Wah wah wha."

With my shin throbbing, I hobbled around for the rest of the morning. Just when I moronically thought things couldn't get worse, Matt's sister called.

Even though Sara is one of my favorite people, she was the last person I wanted it to be when my pocket vibrated. But low and behold.

Matt's mom is very sick, and planning to end her battle with cancer. Very soon. Sooner than we expected. Sooner by the day it seems... We planned on taking time off work to go visit her next week, but Sara calmly suggested we take a flight in the next few days. So while I was at work, and Matt was at school, she did some finagling and got us on a flight for Wed.

And as we speak, Matthew is trying to get us a flight out tomorrow morning, and the next shuttle to Salt Lake because Sara called again just a few minutes ago.

This isn't even the beggining. But I'm sweating really bad...and I have only an hour to pack.

Fill you in later.

Nate's Visit and My New Remedy 4 Sleepless Nights.

This was a great weekend, but I'm not ready for it to be over yet.

I find myself in a comfortable routine during the week. I get up early every day and either to teach my classes or go to work. I've arranged it to where no matter which jobs I work, I'm home by seven everyday. Matt works most nights so I have the place to myself, which is sometimes a good thing, sometimes not. I usually write and occasionally find time to do housework.

To most it seems like a boring life, but I'm very happy with the peace and quiet. I'll enjoy boring while it lasts.

Friday was a short day, I went into work early and got off at 1:00. That was nice because I was able to come home and take a nap with the new ear plugs I bought. I was anxious to test them out. I'm a very light sleeper, and if there is any kind of noise in my environment it becomes very difficult to fall asleep. Here is how I describe it: when I'm trying to fall asleep, it's like I'm slowing walking down a tunnel....at the end is slumbertown. As I'm "walking" if I hear a noise, it disrupts my path and I find myself at the beginning. You can see where this is pretty frustrating and why I would be a bad roommate to have.

Let's get this straight now, I'm not a crazy person. I don't actually picture myself walking down a tunnel, it's just a metaphor.

So the ear plugs turned out to be a charm cuz Matt said he was hollering at me to wake up and I didn't even stir. I woke up after he gently shook me.

Finally! I won't have to fall asleep to Final Fantasy battle themes and Robot Chicken!!

My nap was cut short because our good friend Nate came in from out of town to spend the weekend with us. It felt great to have a guest over and even better that it was Nate. He spent his mission in Missouri and we instantly became friends. He came back last summer to visit some of the friends he'd made. And also came out when Matt and I got married.

Friday night, Matt had to work but Nate and I walked around town and I showed him all the "hot spots" in Rexburg. Needless to say, that didn't take long, but I had to get to bed early so I would be awake before dawn. I worked all day Saturday but was able to come home and have lunch with Nate - who was still in his P.Js playing videogames on the couch:-)

When I got home at 4 the apartment was empty. Nate was off visiting other friends, and I was glad because I got some much needed rest. When I woke up from my coma I took a long shower and got dressed. For the first time in days I put on some makeup and actually put some effort into my hair. By the time I went to pick up Matt, Nate was back and we all went out to eat and then to the cheap theater because Nate hadn't seen the dark night yet.

We stayed up waaaay to late, and were waaaay to loud playing games and eating icecream. It was great. I haven't done that in a long time. For once, at church this morning, my neighbors were giving us dirty looks!

Today was pretty typical. After we bid Nate farwell, we laid in bed and watched a movie, eating chips and salsa, and more icecream...just cuz. Matt did homework all day and I left with no choice of procrastinating, I did laundry. I couldn't come up with anything creative for dinner so we just had steak, but I cooked it a new way, which seemed to leave Matt pleased.

So now I'm just chillin. Sucked into a marathon of America's Next Top Model. Dreading tomorrow. It's not that I have to work, and it's not that I have to work so long. It's that I know no matter how early I go to sleep I just can't get up before dawn.

Wish me Luck!

newlywed epiloges

I'm determined to write this before I collapse of exhaustion. While adding Nathaniel to my facebook friends, I pulled up "The Academy Is...." on the zune, which always gets my fingers moving.

Out of the blue my friend Meghan from back home called me up today and I was absolutely thrilled! I hadn't seen her since she got married last July and moved to Arizona. She and Nathaniel literally said "I Do" and ran off the next day. But it was good for them to get away, I can understand that.

At church we had this little click of us who were all dating and engaged. Matt, Spencer, and Nathaniel pretty much grew up together, but then they all came home from their mission and got girlfriends. Meghan and I were both pretty new, so we stuck together pretty well at church and became good friends.

As fate would have it, the three of us got married within three months of each other. Spencer and Nicole got married in June on a dock by a rose petal covered lake. In July, Meg and Nathaniel married in the chapel. They decorated it so creatively, it was like you were sitting in another world. Then, a month later, Matt and I wed on a green hilltop.

Meg and I spent a good hour playing catch up. She's living in sunny Arizona in her cute apartment with her hubby and two new dogs. (I am totally jealous.)

I'm starting to finally find my nitch here, but it made me miss home. And especially miss the old days of Fenton.

Another gone, another to work for.

As usual, the weekend went by way to fast.

Friday I woke up to the sound of the shower. Normal. What wasn't normal was that it was 9:15 and Matt's class had started 15 minutes ago.

He left the shower on? How odd, I thought in my clouded, pillow faced dazed. Then the obvious dawned on me.

He slipped and cracked his head open and all his blood is swirling down the shower drain! I haven't gotten out of bed so fast and alarmed since my old roommate threw her last noisy kegger. I ripped the shower curtain back and was relieved to find no blood or any bodily fluids of any kind. He was slumped over in the shower - asleep!

When I woke him, he didn't seem to appreciate the humor of the situation. So I helped him back to bed, but I was already awake with panicked adrenaline so I went out to the quiet living room to work on my book.

At noon, he still hadn't moved, so I put some cinnamon rolls in the oven, in hopes that the irresistible aroma would lure him into the living room.

It didn't. So I was left with not option except to nag him awake. See, I have this rule, unless you are sick, you need to be up by noon. It's just standard non-loser policy. Exhaustion from staying up till 3 playing video games doesn't count.

Well, we couldn't do anything we'd planned to do because Matt slept so late and had to do homework before his next class. So I ran some errands, and we had about an hour of quality time before he left again. I worked on the book and prepared chicken fried rice for dinner.

While he was at work I took the opportunity to have some girl time with Aubs. We went to go see Mamma Mia cuz it was playing in the "cheap theater." It's funny, every time I'd ask Matt what was playing there he would just skip over that title. Boys are stupid.

Spending time with Aubrey is one of my favorite things about living here in the Rex. We are having her and Kenny over for fondue tuesday night! Can you believe they've never had fondue?

Saturday was lame, but I'll get to that.

Today was as normal as ever. I'm not complaining. We went to church, we watched a movie, ate salsa. I took a nap and made dinner. Stuffed and baked pasta shells. Then we watched a short marathon of 3rd rock from the sun. Hehe. I remember watching that show late at night when I was like, 13, on the little black and white T.V. in my room that I was so greatful to have.

So Saturday. Ugh. Work. Lame. I was a total zombie, barely functioning. I could smile and was pleasant and all that. But I kept having to sit down and just rest. I was soooo tired. It doesn't matter how early I go to bed, I just can't get up before 7. Sometimes not even 7. So being as absent minded as I was, I took something Matt said all wrong. And that spurred a fight. Well, we could finish the fight because we were at work, so I stewed for five, long, agonizing hours. I wrote this horrible blog - that I knooooow I shouldn't have. Ten minutes after I wrote it, I was like, oh, that was out of line, I should take it down. But our internet went down. And didn't come back till NOON TODAY! So I appologize to anyone who read that.

I shouldn't air my personal problems and opinions on the internet. Have I learned nothing from YouTube? I know what I should and shouldn't do. Trust me, half the people around here remind me every day. I never claimed to be perfect. I'm still learning. Just playin this game as I go. Like most of you.

Remember....I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me ;-P

In Love and War

I'm not alone cuz the T.V.'s on...

...yeah, I'm not crazy cuz I take the right pills. Every day.

Name that band.

I am sooo happy to finally be home. I turned my T.V. on as I cleaned up the kitchen so it would fill out the silence a little bit. I put away the groceries, twenty dollars worth less that what I usually buy, because we had to drop 500 bucks today on plane tickets to Texas. It's nice though, being able to have a little cushion of money set aside for emergencies.

Preschool classes this morning wore. me. out. But the kids are totally worth it. It's hard to explain, but I absolutely adore every single one of them. Even little Rhett who is borderline skitzo and can't sit still for even a minute, but is one of the sweetest little boys ever. Every time I open my mouth to scream at him, he looks at me with those big innocent eyes and my rage instantly subisdes. I get to kiss thier "owies," and soak up their laughter. Watching each week as they learn and evolve. What better way could I earn money?

Kids really do say the darnest things. Chatty Natty was telling me that her dad moved to a new office.

"What does your daddy do?" I asked her.

"He works at an office."

"What does he do at his office?" I probed further.

Natty thought for a moment, and answered oh so honestly, "Um...he yells at people."

I about died with laughter.

I'm just relaxing now, whatching Ghost Hunters. A realization came to me tonight. I watch too many ghost investigation shows. Matt has been saying this for months but it became known to me when tonight's Ghost Hunters episode began, and I was like, wait, Ghost Adventures already scowered that place.

It's sad really. But I'm never afraid to like what I like.

Tomorrow is looking bright, because I just have my preschool classes in the morning and then I have three luxirious hours to bath, eat, and nap, and then I will go back to the gym to play secretary for the rest of the afternoon. But then the whole night is mine!

I'll let you know how it goes :)

I'm good with kids after all. Who knew?

I just finished a long hot shower, to end an even longer day.


Matt and I have spent the last few days working and spending quality time with each other. But today I only saw him when I kissed him goodmorning/goodbye and when we had a meeting in the store manager's office.


My mom called me, first thing - to make sure I had voted. (although it didn't do any good.) Mom and I talked for a bit on Sunday. I must have caught her in a good mood, because it felt a lot like old times. She had mentioned that an ooooold boyfriend (one of the few that doesn't curse the day I was born) was in town and wanted to know how I was doing. So we gossiped about him for a bit, and everyone else in our small town. It was like I was sitting across the kitchen table with her. I miss that.


My preschool classes this morning went pretty well. Kids will be kids, they act up sometimes. But it's great to see the most missed behaved kids in the class progress a little each week. I have this student Keller, we used to call him "killer." A month with me, and now he's the most happy, well behaved kid in his class. It's a very gratified feeling to help a child develop. I feel useful, like I'm suppose to work there. That always starts the day off great.

Next was on to work at Wal-Mart where I always have plenty to keep my busy. When Matt got there at six we met with the store manager to see if there was anyway we could take some time off during the Thanksgiving holiday and black friday to spend time with Matt's mom. Luckily Wal-Mart is very symathetic when it comes to family.

I worry about Matt sometimes. He isn't very well in touch with his emotions. He doesn't anger easily, and I've only seen him tear up once. It's like whenever something sad, or enraging triggers that part of his brain, instead of functioning normally, his brain just injects is heart with a shot of novicane. Most people would say that is just a man thing, but it seems all of the men in my life have been extremely emotional.....My father, boyfriends, close guyfriends. It's like they're just women with balls. I won't waste time with examples.

Whatever.

After work, I had to go back to the gym to do some first aide and CPR training. It was accutally quite interesting and I learned alot, although the worst injury one of my kids have suffered is an indian burn from "Killer." It's funny, about a month ago, the owners of the gym went to this convention and learned about all the things they can be sued for, and since then, we've had a lot more meetings and rules enforced.

So now I'm home, wrapped in my comfy red bathrobe. But not for long - I have to go pick up my husband. I can't wait till he's home.